COVID-19 and Parenting: BACK TO SCHOOL ANXIETY

Parenting and Covid-19: Back to School Anxiety

While many children (and parents!) are excited to get back to school there are also those who are not so keen.

WHAT TO DO IF YOUR CHILD DOES NOT WANT TO GO BACK

As I said in my very first pandemic article: ‘It is not what happens to the children, it is what we, the adults, do with it that counts.’

Once again this mantra applies to the question of children anxious about returning to school.

The very first step is to have a brave and honest talk WITH YOURSELVES! How do you REALLY feel about them going back? Let’s divide the parent cohort into 2 groups:

Group 1: YOU WANT YOUR CHILD TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL

It will be absolutely normal for most parents to be somewhat anxious about the possibility of Covid transmission, and about how their child is going to adjust to going back. This group is certain that going back to school is 100% the right thing, it is just a question of navigating the transition.

For Group 1 here is my simple message: You are the Captains of the family ship! YOU DECIDE the passage this ship will take and once you set that course your hand needs to be ‘steady on the tiller’. Once you have aired your own anxieties TO YOURSELVES (not to your children!) it is time to put them away and give your children calm, clear, matter-of-fact confidence to support them to go back. 

When they fret and complain: stop and listen without interrupting. Keep the eye contact low and stay calm no matter what they say. They are looking into your eyes to see if you have doubts and might be persuaded. You are looking into their eyes to gauge their fear. Eye contact at this point only escalates anxiety and tension. Make a safe pocket of time to let them offload. This could be at a set time each day. At the end of the offload, tell them that you ‘hear’ them and you understand (Goldilocks empathy: not too little, not too much!). But…

But then your guidance needs to switch back into Captain mode. The BIG message is: ‘We (the adults) have got this! You are going. We will always work it through…one day at a time’. This is not a denial of their feelings, rather it messages them that ‘yes, it will be bumpy at first, it will be hard, but we are here to help, and (magic phrase) ‘you’ll get used to it’. When they say they won’t get used to it, say nothing, smile softly and change the scene :). ‘End of story’. This gives the children deep down security even when they are protesting.

Now the secret is to close the discussion. You have total power over your own eyes and mouth! No amount of further talking will help. It is the ‘body’ brain in the child that lays down the story of life, out of experience. The head and heart will always have anxious things to say. Use distraction and redirection. Move it on. Get them into something practical and ignore the complaints (warmly). Don’t worry…their body brains will eventually record that in fact they did survive! Be like a mother/father duck: heads up, move it forward, don’t look back!

In this way you are creating new neural pathways in their brains of moving from reactive behaviour to RESPONSIVE behaviour. The body brain learns through repetition. Repetition of going from woe to go, in a calm, non-verbal, warm and matter-of-fact way…this is what builds resilience. If you find this hard to do at first ‘fake it till you make it!’. When things get bogged down and the wailing breaks out, throw that ‘in the compost’ and hang in there. Wake up tomorrow and try again. Parenting is not meant to be perfect. It is without a doubt the hardest (yet the most rewarding) job in the world.

Group 2: YOU DON’T WANT YOUR CHILD TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL

Either consciously or unconsciously you do not actually want your children to return to school, or at the very least you are deeply uncertain. It could be that lockdown has turned out to be a great experience for your family: less stress, more time together, a sense that this is a better way to live. It could be that your previously anxious child has been so happily settled in lockdown. Or it could be a new philosophical shift to the idea of home-schooling. 

All I can say here is this: ‘MAKE UP YOUR MIND!’ Go one way or the other. Only YOU can decide what is best for your family and children. Try to see beyond emotions and focus on what your child needs to become RESILIENT, not simply on what is easy.

When the children of this group say that they do not want to go back, the parent doubt about school is only increased or confirmed. THIS NEEDS TO BE AN ADULT DECISION! It is critical that we do not let the children’s immature minds make such huge decisions. It is you, the parents, who have the Big Picture, the overview that understands what childhood, and your child, needs.

When parents send their children into something that they feel negative about, they set them up for difficulty. The children can only be frightened and defensive. If you are really feeling negative about them going back to school it might be best to consider other options, even if temporarily, rather than send them to school bathed in your waves of fear or criticism of the school. At the very least you may need to ‘buy some time’ to get your heads clear. Children flourish best when the Captains are calm, clear and consistent. 

The children are ‘reading your parent inner track’. When parents, deep down, do not feel confident about school but still send their children, seeds of uncertainty are sown in the children. These children struggle at school. When the teachers ask them to follow a directive or respond to a challenge, the child feels within themselves: ‘my parent doesn’t trust you (or the school, or the program, or the class)…therefore why should I do what you ask?’ These children are sensitised to any little difficulty and are primed to react and resist. They then have negative experiences at school which only compound the situation. Their behaviour and happiness will deteriorate over time.

If you want them to go more than not, or you have no choice but to have them go, then follow the advice for Group 1. Lead with confidence. Help your children to look for the positives and the silver linings in every situation BY DOING EXACTLY THAT YOURSELVES! Like a plant pushing up through the earth, we grow by what we overcome.

‘IT IS NOT WHAT HAPPENS TO THE CHILDREN, IT IS WHAT WE, THE ADULTS, DO WITH IT THAT COUNTS’.

Sending warmest greetings to all you brave and wonderful Parents :) Every moment of your parenting has the potential to change the world!

Mary Willow, May 2020.

Parenting and Covid-19: Throw the Ball

Parenting and Covid-19: Throw the Ball

CO-PARENTING IN LOCKDOWN AND WORKING FROM HOME = DOUBLE STRESS

While many families have settled into a happy groove with the lockdown, others are experiencing increasing stress with trying to work from home and co-parent in a confined situation. Furthermore it is likely that our immediate and ongoing future will see more parents continuing to work from home, or being at home unemployed, after the lockdown eases.

KIDS ARE DISTRACTED AND UNPREDICTABLE

Children, no matter how old, can easily revert to unconscious impulsive behaviour at the best of times. They don’t yet have the overview or Big Picture, and without that objective viewpoint they cannot easily ‘read’ what is going on in others. The brain in childhood is learning and growing through immersion in whatever is catching their focus at that moment, so children easily forget requests or agreements and fail to notice when a response is expected.

On top of that, children of all ages are supposed to play! Play is the way the brain explores and experiments to create a rich and diverse capacity (plasticity) for the future. But of course when they are playing they are distracted from paying attention to their parents and tend to ignore them. All this immersion and distraction means that children are fickle and unpredictable. Their attention and responsiveness to their parents is intermittent.

WORDS DON’T WORK

The parent is the touch stone, the anchor, the rock. The child swims out into the moments of the day and back to the parent for interaction, support and security. As they swim out and back they are laying down neural pathways of EXPERIENCE in their brains. Whatever they may be thinking or feeling, it is the experiential ‘body’ brain that ‘writes the story’…it learns by doing and just like the animal world it tags things as ‘safe or ‘unsafe’, trustworthy or not. This body brain is NON-VERBAL: it is in a constant non-verbal ‘conversation’ with the physical world, logging what works and what doesn’t. Verbal reasoning and emotional persuasion don’t work on this brain! It notices only signals and ACTION. Therefore the question parents need to ask themselves is: what is the message I am sending to my child’s brain via my signals and actions?

KIDS DON’T GET IT

When a parent is trying to work from home it is common for the children to not understand what that parent needs and whether that parent is available or not. They expect their parents to be ‘on tap’.

Consider this typical scenario: You are working from home. This includes phone and video calls, emails and computer work, as well as non-screen tasks. You may have a home office or separate room to work in or you might be trying to work in the space shared with the kids. 

As the children roll through the day there are many moments when they need you to engage. Classically, just when you think they might self-manage or self-occupy and you could get a stretch of work done, they interrupt and demand your attention. You keep trying to sort it and get back to your work. It is enormously frustrating!

Now let’s look at it through the children’s eyes, ears and bodies. Their parent is unpredictable: only partly present, hasn’t anticipated this moment, is not fully focused, does not properly respond, and can suddenly become impatient, irritable or angry. The children don’t see it coming because they don’t yet have the Big Picture.

KIDS IMITATE THEIR PARENTS

When parents are on a call or screen, or immersed in a project, they are not actually present to anything else. The children are learning through imitation of the adult behaviour and repetition of experience. When they are repeatedly met by a parent who is not fully present they learn to not be fully present themselves. They copy what their parents do.

A classic example of this is at breakfast time. Parents often report that trouble starts right then. The children keep running off to play. They demand toys, books, screens, audio stories or stories read to them or else they won’t eat. They refuse food they don’t like, fight with each other, rile up the cat or dog and ignore any parental pleading or threats. Sound familiar? 

I then ask the parents: what are you doing at this time? Well… they are making lunches, drinking coffee, possibly taking the odd bite of something or not eating, making alternate breakfasts, dealing with dishes, popping out to the laundry, checking texts and emails, fielding calls from work, discussing or arguing with the other parent, reminding or shouting at the kids…and all this still in their pyjamas! 

So what is being modelled here? The reason why the children have not learned to sit and focus and cope with sharing a meal with the rest of the family is because the parents themselves are doing none of that. The parents are modelling distraction, poor attention when they do interact, negative response and even total ignoring. And if that is not enough they then get mad at the children and blame them for the bad behaviour at breakfast. Alternatively they disengage from the negative behaviour and the children go on into the day poorly grounded and without adequate food. This sets the child and the day up for failure.

This same negative outcome can arise when parents try to work from home. If they are randomly moving in and out of the children’s zone, sometimes attentive, sometimes not, or suddenly disappearing without warning, then they are modelling distraction and unpredictability. Repetition of poor quality interaction might upset the children at first, but even more dangerous than that is when the the children’s brains resign to the parent behaviour and hardwire poor relationship as ‘normal’, becoming more disconnected, unresponsive and resentful of the parent.

KIDS HARDWIRE WHAT THEY EXPERIENCE AS ‘NORMAL’

The experiential body brain of the child is always asking the question: ‘what is the world?' Whatever they are exposed to they will log as ‘normal’. Children growing up in war zones log war as normal. Children growing up in a home life that is distracted, reactive and chaotic are logging that as normal. And when a particular pocket of the day is repeatedly stressful, the children’s brains will tag it as unsafe and be ‘on guard’ and reactive right from the start. The vicious cycle is established.

Neither the children’s needs nor the parent’s work are getting the full attention they need. The poor stressed parent is unable to do a good job with either. Up goes the cry: ’I can talk (or shout) till I’m blue in the face, but they just don’t listen. They argue or ignore me. Then the day is off on the wrong foot and I can’t get any work done’.

THE SOLO PARENT CHALLENGE

If you are a solo parent needing to work from home, being highly organised is your greatest tool. Create set times of the day to do shorter periods of work when the children’s needs are already met and they are set up with something to immerse in. Put a timer on. End your pocket of work BEFORE they run out of being able to self-occupy. Do not stretch them out till all tempers are frayed. Because you do not have another parent to ‘throw the ball to’ it is critical that you set your expectation bar low! When the children need attention be ready to drop the work and manage the situation with warmth, patience, calm and full presence. Believe me, if you meet their needs without a fight and before they have ‘lost the plot’ you actually stand a chance to get more work done. Unfortunately most of your work will need to be done when they are asleep. This is an incredible demand on the solo parent but strong organisation and calm response are the only way.

And now some tips for all scenarios:

GET IT CLEAR AND SIMPLE

How do you SIGNAL the children? They are learning via the experience of their environment, so instead of trying to verbally direct them, which usually does not go so well, we can shape the environment to signal what they should expect. I call this ‘creating the riverbed for their river to flow in’. 

THE PHYSICAL LAYOUT FOR WORK

Designate a set work zone for the working parent. If you have no choice but to do some work in the children’s zone, brainstorm a signal: e.g. sticking a picture to your chair, a funny hat on your head, a soft toy in a special spot that all signal ‘parent working time, children playing time’. If there is more than one adult available it is better to have the work space with the door shut and as far away from the zone of the children as possible.

‘Out of sight, out of mind’ works best for their brains. In the work room set up everything the working parent might need for a stretch of time. Snack food, drinks, a kettle, perhaps a toaster…or even a mini fridge if that is possible! It is critical that you avoid going in and out of the bubble where the children are with their other parent or caregiver. 

THE POCKETS OF THE DAY

Create a strong rhythm to the day with pockets signalling what activities are happening when. This immediately meets so many needs that the children become more settled, and therefore more responsive. (see my earlier article ‘At Home with the Kids’). 

WHO’S ON KIDS? 

If you are ‘at work’ stay in the work zone!  Make it crystal clear when the working parent is ‘on the kids’ or ‘off the kids’ and not available. Do not ‘swan’ in and out! Invite the children to help make a sign for the workplace door that signals ‘parent working’. This engages the children in the set-up. You could also use objects, pictures or signs in the children’s zone that indicate which parent is ‘on duty’.

‘THROW THE BALL’: make set time periods for the working parent to be ‘at work’. Use timers if necessary to signal the start and end of a period. Honour the timers. If you know that work might drag on and you might be late to return to the children’s zone then don’t make promises. Simply extend the period that you are always at work. Children do best when the rhythm holds.

ONLY ONE CAPTAIN

One of the greatest risks of working from home is when the working parent (B) comes into the children’s zone and interferes with the parenting of the other parent (A) who ‘is on the kids’. This is infuriating for parent A at least and disastrous at most. The parents then clash over management. Alternatively parent A may be often calling to parent B to come to the rescue. The children will play all these scenarios to their advantage. They soon record that if they resist parent A long or loud enough then parent B will come back in. In all cases the children’s behaviour is not positively met and worked through by parent A. Parent A is likely to become disempowered in the eyes of the children and the negative behaviour will escalate. Parent B should be right ‘off the scene’ and not available unless it is a true emergency. This clarity settles the children and helps them to relax into the care of parent A.

This same rule of thumb applies when 2 parents are together in the children’s zone at non-work times. Try to be clear which of you is the Captain at any given time. Let that Captain call the shots and run the show. When trouble erupts between parent A and the children, then parent B needs to support parent A or walk. The children’s ‘doggies’ cannot handle 2 masters. Children thrive and blossom on the calm, clear signals of their environment and the people in it.

Mary Willow, April 2020

Parenting and Covid-19: When the Edges begin to Fray

PARENTING AND COVID-19

When the Edges begin to Fray 

A week into level 4 lockdown and how is it going? Many parents are telling me they are loving this precious time with their kids, enjoying the challenge of making it work and posting hilarious ‘takes’ on the predicament, to lift everyone’s spirits. The feeling of ‘we are in this together’ is an extraordinary gift in contrast to the usual rat race of ‘life in the fast lane’ with its fall-out of alienation.

However, for many parents, the edges are already beginning to fray. Challenges that pre-existed in the family only increase under pressure, and tensions are mounting. 

These difficulties arise from:

-the sensory-motor capacities of each individual: the ‘wiring’

-the temperaments within the family: how each one acts and reacts

-the history of the family: the wounds of the past, the threats of the present, and the parent-to-parent dynamic or solo parent load

Without the release valves of time apart the situation feels like a pressure cooker with the heat turned up.

So let’s start by going back to ‘Civil Defence mode’ that I mentioned in the article ‘At Home with the Kids’. Over the years in this work of mentoring parents I have come to believe that there is only one thing that can truly hurt us and that is OUR EXPECTATIONS. When Mandela was in prison he survived by changing his expectations.

It is not just the expectation bar for your CHILDREN that you need to set LOW. You need to set your OWN PARENT BAR low. Watch your expectations of YOURSELVES! If you set the bar too high, you set yourself up for fear and failure. Yes I know, the ideal is a calm, patient parent, but when things start to unravel, all parents have the potential to go into their fight/flight brain to try to manage the behaviour. Unfortunately, even with the best will in the world, it doesn’t necessarily go well. Then when it blows out you feel angry and hopeless. You beat yourself up and load your poor old beleaguered guard dog with misery and guilt. 

Dear parents, you are only human! You are not given any training for this role and can so quickly find yourselves out of your depth. Let me send you a universal big hug!

When you beat yourself up you attack yourself, which only activates your guard dog brain further. You can barely cope with the kids when you are in this mode. You will only react. Your doggy brain is ‘over it’ and it’s inner dialogue can be shocking…especially when you are sleep-deprived! It just wants the short-cut to safety.

I have a special phrase for this moment when I see tears of sorrow and regret welling up in my clients’ eyes: ‘COMPOST BIN!’ Throw the blow-out into the compost. Let it rot! It makes great gardening for later on! Don’t look back, don’t beat yourself up, forget about it. Just look after yourself right now…and tomorrow, wake up and start again.

Parenting is like learning to ride a bike. You will fall off, especially when there is a multiplicity of challenging factors. All you can do is get back on the bike and try again. THROW IT IN THE COMPOST! Your True Self never wanted it to be like this. You really are a beautiful parent, doing your very best under ridiculous levels of stress. Time to give yourself some love, give yourself a break, give yourself a treat (steady on the wine there! :)…maybe a chocolate?). And keep that compost bin handy at all times!

Hang in there! Look after yourselves. Every day is a new beginning in parenting.

More to come…

Mary Willow, April 2020

Parenting and Covid-19: When the Pot Boils Over

Good morning parents in the new paradigm! An image flashed in my mind this morning as I was making breakfast and thinking of you all waking to the new reality at home with the kids: that CALM I talked about in the previous article, the importance of OUTLASTING the negative behaviour. How does this work? It turns down the heat and gives the children's Guard Dog hissy fits (and maybe yours!) time and space to blow out and blow over. Well the image I thought of was of a pot of pasta boiling over. You pull it off the stove to cool it down. IF YOU PUT IT BACK ON THE STOVE TOO SOON IT JUST BOILS OVER AGAIN. That's what I mean about going slowly and giving it time to cool off. Not engaging with it, not feeding it, not pressuring or growing it. This is how you free your True Child from enslavement to their Guard Dog and the repetitive miserable behaviour that they don't understand and can't control. No eye contact! No verbal! Stay calm, warm and loving but TAKE IT OFF THE STOVE! So when things boil up and over, flash your mind to the POT! Have a great day people! May magic happen like never before :)) Mary.

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