Parenting and Covid-19: Back to School Anxiety
While many children (and parents!) are excited to get back to school there are also those who are not so keen.
WHAT TO DO IF YOUR CHILD DOES NOT WANT TO GO BACK
As I said in my very first pandemic article: ‘It is not what happens to the children, it is what we, the adults, do with it that counts.’
Once again this mantra applies to the question of children anxious about returning to school.
The very first step is to have a brave and honest talk WITH YOURSELVES! How do you REALLY feel about them going back? Let’s divide the parent cohort into 2 groups:
Group 1: YOU WANT YOUR CHILD TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL
It will be absolutely normal for most parents to be somewhat anxious about the possibility of Covid transmission, and about how their child is going to adjust to going back. This group is certain that going back to school is 100% the right thing, it is just a question of navigating the transition.
For Group 1 here is my simple message: You are the Captains of the family ship! YOU DECIDE the passage this ship will take and once you set that course your hand needs to be ‘steady on the tiller’. Once you have aired your own anxieties TO YOURSELVES (not to your children!) it is time to put them away and give your children calm, clear, matter-of-fact confidence to support them to go back.
When they fret and complain: stop and listen without interrupting. Keep the eye contact low and stay calm no matter what they say. They are looking into your eyes to see if you have doubts and might be persuaded. You are looking into their eyes to gauge their fear. Eye contact at this point only escalates anxiety and tension. Make a safe pocket of time to let them offload. This could be at a set time each day. At the end of the offload, tell them that you ‘hear’ them and you understand (Goldilocks empathy: not too little, not too much!). But…
But then your guidance needs to switch back into Captain mode. The BIG message is: ‘We (the adults) have got this! You are going. We will always work it through…one day at a time’. This is not a denial of their feelings, rather it messages them that ‘yes, it will be bumpy at first, it will be hard, but we are here to help, and (magic phrase) ‘you’ll get used to it’. When they say they won’t get used to it, say nothing, smile softly and change the scene :). ‘End of story’. This gives the children deep down security even when they are protesting.
Now the secret is to close the discussion. You have total power over your own eyes and mouth! No amount of further talking will help. It is the ‘body’ brain in the child that lays down the story of life, out of experience. The head and heart will always have anxious things to say. Use distraction and redirection. Move it on. Get them into something practical and ignore the complaints (warmly). Don’t worry…their body brains will eventually record that in fact they did survive! Be like a mother/father duck: heads up, move it forward, don’t look back!
In this way you are creating new neural pathways in their brains of moving from reactive behaviour to RESPONSIVE behaviour. The body brain learns through repetition. Repetition of going from woe to go, in a calm, non-verbal, warm and matter-of-fact way…this is what builds resilience. If you find this hard to do at first ‘fake it till you make it!’. When things get bogged down and the wailing breaks out, throw that ‘in the compost’ and hang in there. Wake up tomorrow and try again. Parenting is not meant to be perfect. It is without a doubt the hardest (yet the most rewarding) job in the world.
Group 2: YOU DON’T WANT YOUR CHILD TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL
Either consciously or unconsciously you do not actually want your children to return to school, or at the very least you are deeply uncertain. It could be that lockdown has turned out to be a great experience for your family: less stress, more time together, a sense that this is a better way to live. It could be that your previously anxious child has been so happily settled in lockdown. Or it could be a new philosophical shift to the idea of home-schooling.
All I can say here is this: ‘MAKE UP YOUR MIND!’ Go one way or the other. Only YOU can decide what is best for your family and children. Try to see beyond emotions and focus on what your child needs to become RESILIENT, not simply on what is easy.
When the children of this group say that they do not want to go back, the parent doubt about school is only increased or confirmed. THIS NEEDS TO BE AN ADULT DECISION! It is critical that we do not let the children’s immature minds make such huge decisions. It is you, the parents, who have the Big Picture, the overview that understands what childhood, and your child, needs.
When parents send their children into something that they feel negative about, they set them up for difficulty. The children can only be frightened and defensive. If you are really feeling negative about them going back to school it might be best to consider other options, even if temporarily, rather than send them to school bathed in your waves of fear or criticism of the school. At the very least you may need to ‘buy some time’ to get your heads clear. Children flourish best when the Captains are calm, clear and consistent.
The children are ‘reading your parent inner track’. When parents, deep down, do not feel confident about school but still send their children, seeds of uncertainty are sown in the children. These children struggle at school. When the teachers ask them to follow a directive or respond to a challenge, the child feels within themselves: ‘my parent doesn’t trust you (or the school, or the program, or the class)…therefore why should I do what you ask?’ These children are sensitised to any little difficulty and are primed to react and resist. They then have negative experiences at school which only compound the situation. Their behaviour and happiness will deteriorate over time.
If you want them to go more than not, or you have no choice but to have them go, then follow the advice for Group 1. Lead with confidence. Help your children to look for the positives and the silver linings in every situation BY DOING EXACTLY THAT YOURSELVES! Like a plant pushing up through the earth, we grow by what we overcome.
‘IT IS NOT WHAT HAPPENS TO THE CHILDREN, IT IS WHAT WE, THE ADULTS, DO WITH IT THAT COUNTS’.
Sending warmest greetings to all you brave and wonderful Parents :) Every moment of your parenting has the potential to change the world!
Mary Willow, May 2020.