When we understand where children are at DEVELOPMENTALLY, we can be better equipped to know what to say and do.
Young children, from toddlers through to 9-10, are living in a more dreamlike existence. While their bodies are busy becoming orientated and competent in the physical world, their minds are still mixing snippets of reality with dollops of fantasy to form imaginative, placeholder pictures of the world. Just check out their relationship to Father Christmas/Santa and the Tooth Fairy!
During this delicate period they are easily startled and shocked out of this dreamy state. Their fight/flight/freeze/fold centre (amygdala and co.) is always at the ready to secure their safety.
I call this function of the brain ‘the Guard Dog’. The purpose of the Guard Dog brain is to protect #1, i.e. ME, ME ONLY and RIGHT NOW! The faster the Guard Dog gets to what it deems to be safe, the better. This is the purpose of all those reactive tantrums, meltdowns, avoidance and freak-outs…to rapidly attempt to regain control over the situation, the parents and others.
The problem is that children do not yet see ‘the BIG PICTURE’: they are more in a subjective experience rather than seeing an objective reality. They do NOT necessarily know what is best for them or others around them. So when the the Guard Dog is thwarted or threatened it automatically springs into action whether reasonable and needed or not!
But the Guard Dog is not your ‘True Child’! It is the emergency brain that is supposed to dominate and protect the early years while the ‘roots’ of physical growth and development, and secure attachments, are being established. As the child becomes more stable and secure in the world of time, space and people, the Guard Dog can take more of a back seat and the True Child can emerge. We can now see the children going ahead in leaps and bounds with a more objective understanding of themselves and others and a more positive and reasonable response.
Parents and teachers of older children know that the storms of the early years really do diminish, especially with the right guidance, and that on the way, from around 9 or 10 onwards, the children are opening a brand new ‘critical eye’, as if seeing the realities of life for the first time. This can be exciting or disconcerting and anything in between, depending on each child’s ‘wiring’, temperament and history. The timing of this ‘awakening’ is unique to each child and just like teething, some will sail through it but for others it may not be smooth sailing.
Although a child may be gaining perspective, their Guard Dog is still present, strong and watching out for the safety of ‘me’. It can still hit out, blame everyone else, run for cover or try to control everything, but when the adults around them are both kind, clear and non-reactive, the children can be carried securely through. The storms will come less often and pass more quickly, as the True Child gains both greater clarity AND mastery over their Guard Dog impulsivity.
COVID - 19 is bound to set our own adult Guard Dogs into a myriad of individual responses as well. Our adult Guard Dogs can respond fiercely to calamity, stress, fear and loss just as the children’s. This is neurologically normal and essential in real emergencies. However as adults we are able to CHOOSE how to respond, whether and when to act or not. This is the time for us to be careful and wise.
My advice about how to manage thinking about and talking about Covid -19 with the children is very simple and based on this:
IT IS NOT WHAT HAPPENS TO AND AROUND OUR CHILDREN - IT IS WHAT WE, THE ADULTS, DO WITH IT THAT COUNTS.
We can succumb to fear and activate the children’s Guard Dog brains (which will harm and regress them) or we can ‘up our game’ and increase our self-mastery by moving on into the practical here and now.
I once watched a group of parents picking up their children from school immediately after an earthquake. The children of the calm parents were unfazed. The children of the panicky parents were all crying, fearful and even hysterical. It was so clear.
So what to do about Covid? Here’s my advice.
BE THE CAPTAINS OF THE SHIP. Get clear about what discussions belong only up on the bridge with those in charge (the parents), or what can be shared with the more senior officers (the older children).
Children under 9-10 are too young to be exposed to the news of the world (the possible storms ahead). Their bodies, emotions and minds are simply asking: what is the world around me here and what are we doing now?
From 10-14 they are the crew. They may need to be given certain information at some point about the lie of the land (the science), the passage ahead (the bigger picture) and the Captain decisions, but it should all be delivered matter-of-factly with the Captain hand firmly at the helm. We can explain in more detail each year as they grow older, but it is not yet time for them to make the decisions on the running of the family ship. ‘Yes it’s a challenge, yes we are entering stormy waters, but everyone ‘to your posts!’ and follow commands’.
On deck keep the crew (the kids) in the practical here and now. In simple terms if they have heard something that makes them fearful, listen to them and let them offload (don’t over- or under- listen), say kindly that you hear them, validate their feelings as understandable, a quiet hug, a wee chat, but then MOVE ON. Keep your eye contact low at these times or you will mutually panic each other. Much better than trying to reason with their fears or talk them out of it, let the anxieties bubble up and blow away, then move the children on into practical activities.
Fear can be expressed in children not just as anxiety but also as avoidance, hyperactivity or a greater urge to angrily control others. Fearful children cannot easily control the overwhelm. The Parents and Captains need to be the boss of their child’s fear (their child’s Guard Dog). YOU decide when the fear doggies are allowed out for a run around (the barking mad offload) and YOU decide when the fear is firmly put away (I like to think ‘tied up but with a juicy bone of calm, warm and judicious parent empathy’) till the next set time for offload. This way you are repeatedly leading their experiential brains from reactive moments to responsive moments. It is this REPETITION OF POSITIVE ACTION that processes fear and builds new neural pathways of RESILIENCE. It is the body brain that ultimately writes the story. The kids that got out and helped the adults dig the liquefied silt after the earthquake in Christchurch did better than those bogged down in exposure to fearful, emotional adult talk.
The children are simply asking themselves: ‘how do the adults deal with this or that?’ They are imitating us, both our outer actions AND our inner courage and calm in the face of a storm. The ideal parent response is ‘we will always find a way.’ Repeatedly move it on into the practical…at ALL ages. The children are learning by doing. The underlying philosophy needs to be that challenges wake us up, make us more adaptable, bring us together (even if quarantined!). How do we help?
Younger children don't even need to know that there is a world-wide pandemic. They need to know what today is. They don’t yet have the ability to put threatening information into perspective. But what if they know already? What if they ask ‘will we die?’ The truthful answer is that you don’t know and the HELPFUL answer is (firmly) that ‘we will take one day at a time: we will work on the problems and look for the good in every moment and every day’.
This is our greatest parenting task: that no matter what, we will show them how to look for the good in every person, place and situation. And when ‘sh*t happens’...we will deal with it with calm captaining, holding the ship steady, navigating the way step by step, with courage and love.
IT IS NOT WHAT HAPPENS TO AND AROUND OUR CHILDREN - IT IS WHAT WE, THE ADULTS, DO WITH IT THAT COUNTS.
Will we take this opportunity to hardwire our kids for calm, practical, positive response? Or will we hardwire them for fear? (which by the way is the foundation of hate) Our children have come to complete OUR OWN growing up. They are saying to us: ‘transform yourself for the sake of me’. Will we panic or will we allow this situation to grow clarity in our thinking, courage in our hearts and calm in our response to humanity?
Mary Willow, March 2020.
MAHATMA GANDHI
The enemy is fear. We think it is hate, but it is fear.
MICHAEL LEUNIG
There are only two feelings. Love and fear
There are only two languages. Love and fear
There are only two activities. Love and fear
There are only two motives, two procedures,
two frameworks, two results. Love and fear
Love and fear.